meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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