Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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