I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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