I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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