Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
