dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
