how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
