Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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