even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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