I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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