so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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