Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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