I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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