I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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