We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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