3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
