Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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