If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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