Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
