Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
