Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
