I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
