i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
