DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's blow job season.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
