I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
