can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
