Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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