When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
