Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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