he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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