he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
