it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
