Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
