In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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