my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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