I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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