Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
