It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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