Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
