I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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