I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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