I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
