My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
