the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My vagina is officially offended.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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