Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
