I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
