Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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