I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
