The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Pants are for mortals
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
