apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
